Toilet Advice
by Noiseless Symphony
Summary: Neville’s doing his crybaby thing, so Malfoy decides to impart some advice to shut him up. I renamed this story because I was utterly bored.


SUMMARY: Neville's doing his cry-baby thing, so Malfoy decides to impart some advice to shut him up. PG-13 for Draco's simply *naughty* language.

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Neville sat on the loo, crying. Moaning Myrtle clucked sympathetically but when she tried to ask what was wrong, he just cried harder. Finally, she resorted to getting angry, then upset. Soon both were wailing. 

Draco Malfoy, getting quite irritated by the racket, zipped up his pants and shoved the cubicle door open. He ignored Myrtle's shocked look and stood with his hands on his hips in front of a puffy-eyed Neville Longbottom. 

"Will you shut up Longbottom?" he growled, and Neville was so surprised he did. "What's wrong with you anyway?" 

"I-I…I…" was all Neville could get out. Malfoy smiled unpleasantly. 

"Let me guess. You managed to lose 100 House points in one Potions lesson, so you came here to escape the angry Griffindor mob who are surrounding the bathroom as we speak." 

"No." Neville shook his head miserably. "I…" 

"You turned Granger into an ant and Weasley accidentally stepped on her-" 

"No!" said Neville, horrified. He lowered his head. "It's just…" 

"Oh come on Longbottom," Malfoy sighed impatiently. "What are you doing here? It's a simple question. Usually when Snape let's you out early it's to get fixed up by Madame Pomfrey." He snickered. "Like the time you-" 

"And what are _you_ doing here?" Moaning Myrtle interrupted in a shrill voice. "This is a _girl's_ bathroom!" 

"Then am I to presume Longbottom is a _girl_?" 

Neville cried, "Of course not!" but his face still turned red, and Malfoy's grin widened. 

"You mean all this time, Longbottom, and no one ever knew," he taunted, leaning against the cubicle wall. "No wonder you like _Potter_ so much…" 

"No!" Neville yelped. "I don't- I'm not! It's just that I…I…in class I…I _wet my pants_," he said in a whisper. Myrtle and Draco burst into laughter, while Neville groaned and buried his face in his hands. 

"Is…is that _all?!_" Draco managed between guffaws. "You're…you're crying b-because you wet your pants?!" 

"It's embarrassing," Neville mumbled, feeling his eyes get watery again. "And Professor Snape _saw_ and told the whole class!" 

"Oh, so what?" Draco dismissed, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes. "Everyone saw _me_ get turned into a ferret and bounce like a rubber ball on a trampoline, but _I_ didn't moan and cry about it." 

"You got turned into a _ferret?!_" Myrtle shrieked, pointing at Draco, and she doubled up laughing. Draco gave her a withering glare, and Neville felt the corners of his mouth twitch upwards at the memory of what happened in their 3rd year. 

"The point is _Longbottom_," said Malfoy through gritted teeth, ignoring the chuckling ghost, "there's no use getting upset over everything. You've got to get _angry_ instead. You've got to get real**_ mad_**." He leant closer to Neville. "You've got to say, _'You think you can make fun on me? I don't think you know who you're dealing with, bitch'_." Neville gasped and Myrtle nearly fell from where she was hovering in the air. 

"Life is about revenge Longbottom," Malfoy drawled, resuming his usual stance, "revenge, and exploiting every opportunity you can find. If you don't follow these rules, you might as well end up like Potter and his idiot sidekick." 

"But…I don't _want_ to get angry or take revenge," Neville said in a small voice. Malfoy rolled his eyes. 

"If you don't, someone else will. People in class are going to be laughing and making fun of you from now on…well, more so than usual anyway. I'll probably be one of them!" he added cheerfully, and shrugged. "You can either be the receiver or the giver of insults. I should think after being the first for so long, you'd like to try the second? 

"Whatever it is, will you shut up about it now? I really don't enjoy hearing you wail because your pathetic life deals nothing but crap to you every shitty day." 

Malfoy tossed his head and walked into another cubicle, slamming the door behind him. 

"Damn it," Neville could hear him groaning. "Why did I have to eat that last Icky Spluck Tart…?" 

**¡**THE END**¡**

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* For those who don't know, 'pants' is just 'trousers'.


End file.
